I am often paraylsed by things that do not exist outside of my own mind. Overthinking is a constant feature in my life and the processes my thoughts execute on a daily basis. However, I am done.
Well and truly done with my current state of existence. It's not a bad one, not really. Not outside of the mind, or even in it, really. I've been through worse, and I know many others have experienced much worse. But I am unequivcally TIRED. Tired of this low hum of dissatisfaction and grey reflection in the soul of everything I do.
I'm not that bad. Not really. I'm lucky, I'm safe, and I physically well. But I am, as we all are, trapped inside my own mind.
And I'm not a fan of the decor, shall we say. I'm not a fan of the interior that I keep.
And while I'm here on Earth living this life, I might as well move forward in creating the change that I know can happen, within myself and within the wider world.
For a long time I've been viciously conscious of my own shortcomings, and I have amplified them in many ways, often under the misguided attempts to dissolve them.
There is a lot of mistakes in my past. A lot of things I wish I could undo, and the scariest part is I know that the future will hold many of these too.
The pain I feel, often does not even feel like it my own pain. It is the pain of the world, the pain of every unfortunate life lived and suffering endured, for a reason I really cannot put my finger on. I am on one side appauled and one side desensitized and numb to the pain of the world. A mixture of apathy and burning passion to do SOMETHING mixed in with the limited computations in my brain leave me stuck in a rut. In fact, no, ignoring the risk of sounding overdramatic it really can be like being stuck in a canyon, with no sign of escape, and no tools to move forward.
A time where the pain and suffering endured and the knowledge acquired along the way collides in a big bang of epic proportions. Where humanity, and therefore myself, has to realize enough is enough. We've all experienced so much. We've all felt such pain. And while I can't say for sure if there is a definite, objective good reason for these events to take place. There is one thing for sure. To experience these things and not try our upmost to learn from the past and move forward together would be the saddest and least climatic ending a man could think of.
And this is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. A reason to move. A reason to think, and ironically, a reason to suffer. But suffer with purpose. Suffer with reason.
And maybe one day, there will be a time when suffering is seen differently than it is today. Where humanity manages to push past the limits of their cognition, and sees that there is no need for competition. Well, not in any serious manner. The world will wake up to the workings of this game we are playing and with that comes the ability to mod and hack as we please.
This kind of power is something that does not belong in the hands of any one individual. It belongs to all of us. The problem is - I am not ready for it. Most of us, are not ready for it.
We are children crawling out of the cradle of our evolution, and the same tools and knowledge that can set us free, can bring about so much suffering and pain as well.
This is the time for those of us who know there is a better way, to show that it is possible. What each of us sees as better, may not be the same. But it is now that we can put fourth our ideas into the collective consciousness of humanity (conveniently done by using a magic tablet that fits in your pocket - yo we are living in the future baby).
The giant melting pot of the internet is getting hotter and hotter. And with advances in artificial intelligence that is able to more accurately translate between languages and dialects, the gap between the worlds population is becoming smaller and smaller. And while this is sure to expose a lot of the ugly in the world as we are exposed to the things that were once hidden by sheer lack of access (geographically or otherwise) the other side has the potential to be something truly worthwhile. A world where our children and our children's children can grow and exist in a way that we do not think possible right now.
There are many lessons for us to learn on our evolutionary path, today I decide to learn for myself, and for others, to not be afraid to say Yes to life, to not hide away. To express without fear and to perceive without judgement. Today I decide to Love, and stop running.
Let's see where this takes us next. :)